Baltimore, MD - A newly released ten year study from Johns Hopkins University conclusively proves that the homeless population produces ten times more climate change than the same number of people who are not homeless. The study highlights some of the ways that the homeless affect climate change including urinating and defecating in outside areas, excessive garbage thrown in streets, and taking baths in public waterways.

Climate change activists across the country are scrambling to come up with a response because the study pits them against homeless advocates that they normally align with. On the other side of the spectrum, the president of the Homelessness Rocks San Francisco chapter stated that “The new study against homelessness may be conclusive, but we do not agree with it so therefore it is not true. Homeless people actually help the planet in various ways, including fertilizing public areas and stemming the overuse of public rights of way.”

Our reporters asked people at a recent climate change rally in Washington D.C. about the ramification of the new study, but most chose either to ignore the question or got upset that our reporters were actually asking such a question. One lady who asked to remain anonymous said “Look, once we pass our climate change legislation, we will essentially control local, state and national governments, and therefore can dictate what climate change really is and who is causing it. We will ban stupid studies such as this one and focus on the top one percent who are really causing climate change. Well, except for celebrities, rappers, and liberal billionaires of course.”

The national chapter of Homelessness Rocks has commissioned a huge study of it’s own that will end by noon tomorrow and will, we are told, conclude that the homeless population actually helps the planet in ways that most people never imagined, including helping the pigeon and squirrel population inside of city limits and preventing people from sitting in parks so that they get much needed exercise. They also help to control excessive growth in major cities.

The Johns Hopkins researchers of the study have not been seen nor heard from since the study was published. The university sent out a memo stating that they are all taking a much needed vacation ofter such a long and exhausting ten years of work, and are not expected back for many years.