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New Study Proves Homeless Produce 10X More Towards Climate Change, Activists Perplexed

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New Study Proves Homeless Produce 10X More Towards Climate Change, Activists Perplexed

Baltimore, MD - A newly released ten year study from Johns Hopkins University conclusively proves that the homeless population produces ten times more climate change than the same number of people who are not homeless. The study highlights some of the ways that the homeless affect climate change including urinating and defecating in outside areas, excessive garbage thrown in streets, and taking baths in public waterways.

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Chuck Schumer Wants To Hermetically Seal The U.S. With A Giant Glass Dome To Prevent Coronavirus

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Chuck Schumer Wants To Hermetically Seal The U.S. With A Giant Glass Dome To Prevent Coronavirus

United States - Charles Ellis Schumer, known to most Americans as Chuck Schumer, wants to hermetically seal the entire United States in a giant glass dome to prevent additional cases of Coronavirus from entering the country. The glass dome will also prevent emissions of carbon dioxide and other greenhouse gases from escaping into the atmosphere.

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Joe Biden Knows Exactly How To Fix America But Refused To Tell Obama

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Joe Biden Knows Exactly How To Fix America But Refused To Tell Obama

New Hampshire - Joe Biden, the Democratic front runner was speaking before a huge crowd inside of a Best Western hotel room, and was asked why he didn't tell Obama all of his secrets to fix the country while he was Vice President. Biden replied "Look man, you never give out all of your secrets. That's an unwritten rule that John Wayne always talked about. Never let them know everything you know."

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Joe Biden Receives The Coveted Endorsement Of The John Wayne Fan Club Of America

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Joe Biden Receives The Coveted Endorsement Of The John Wayne Fan Club Of America

New Hampshire - Joe Biden has received universal ridicule from around the country for calling a 21 year old female student a "lyin’ dog-faced pony soldier" while campaigning in New Hampshire. Many wondered where the reference had originated, and were left wondering well after it was uttered. But with an endorsement today the origin of the saying may have been discovered.

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Democratic Cities Named Third World Countries By Trump

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Democratic Cities Named Third World Countries By Trump

Washington DC - President Trump today has designated 27 major cities across the United States as third world countries because of the deplorable conditions that they are in. The cities all have very high rates of crime and homelessness, as well as crumbling infrastructures and mounting debt. Included in the list are major cities such as San Francisco, Detroit, New York, Chicago and Los Angeles. The ruling allows Trump to use the power of the Federal Government to take over control of the cities in order to "clean them up."

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Social Democrats Rally For A Society Like Star Trek Until They Learn About The Prime Directive

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Social Democrats Rally For A Society Like Star Trek Until They Learn About The Prime Directive

Washington, DC - Social Democrats held a rally yesterday in Washington that drew thousands of protestors demanding a better, fairer society, one that was similar to the television series Star Trek. One protestor said that we should invest all of our resources into making a replicator so that all of the world's problems could be solved with this one simple machine.

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Trump Calls Marines To Senate Chamber

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Trump Calls Marines To Senate Chamber

Washington, DC - President Trump today ordered the Marines to the Senate chambers during the impeachment trial. When asked about the reason behind the stunning move President Trump said "This sham of an impeachment trial has shown that there are a lot of traitorous people in the Senate, and I intend to put them in jail and have them tried."

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Trump Signs Executive Order Limiting Wealth Of Congress

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Trump Signs Executive Order Limiting Wealth Of Congress

Washington, DC - President Trump today signed an executive order today limiting the amount of money that members of Congress can earn while in office. Trump declared that Congress should not be a place to get rich, it should be a place for people to serve their country.

"I became President to serve my country, not to get rich. I already was rich. Very rich! In fact I have donated my salary every year. Now I call on Congress to do the right thing and stop getting rich off of their office."

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Elizabeth Warren Claims She Is Not In Top 1% Even Though She Is

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Elizabeth Warren Claims She Is Not In Top 1% Even Though She Is

Washington, DC - Senator Elizabeth Warren in a recent interview on MSNBC claimed that she was not part of the 1% that she so frequently rails against. "I grew up poor on an Indian reservation, and we really had nothing but the skins on our back. I was able to pull myself out of that and marry into money. I didn't earn it nor inherit it like many of the 1% do. I used a time-honored tradition of marrying into money. That is a completely different scenario.”

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After Watching House Impeachment Hearings, The CDC Issues A New Disease Warning

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After Watching House Impeachment Hearings, The CDC Issues A New Disease Warning

Atlanta, GA - The Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta have issued a new disease warning that has been seen spreading across the country called Congenital Liarism. The scientists became aware of the disease years ago, but assumed that such a disease could not spread. But after watching the House Impeachment Hearings they have changed their minds about the disease and its spread.

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California Solves Homeless Crisis By Designating Tents As Houses

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California Solves Homeless Crisis By Designating Tents As Houses

Sacramento, CA - The state of California announced today that it has successfully solved the homeless crisis within it’s borders. The state has officially passed legislation to designate tents as houses, thus eliminating 98% of it’s homeless population. House Speaker Pelosi praised the new legislation saying “It is a beautiful day here in the great state of California.

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Warren Gives Sanders A Broken Arrow As A Peace Offering

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Warren Gives Sanders A Broken Arrow As A Peace Offering

Las Vegas - Senator Warren offered Senator Sanders a peace offering after a contentious debate in Las Vegas that saw her attack everyone, including Sanders, on a host of issues. Stating that she never really wanted to come after Bernie, she presented him with a symbolic broken arrow to signify her desire to have peace between the two communist candidates. “Bernie and I must stick together through thick and thin, as the only two remaining communist candidates still in this race.

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Cory Booker Blames Peladophobia For Losing The Election

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Cory Booker Blames Peladophobia For Losing The Election

U.S. - New Jersey Senator Cory Booker has ended his Presidential campaign after failing to make traction with his message of political unity. In a press conference Senator Booker explained “I believe I had strong message of unity and political healing that should have resonated well with the voters of this country. But Peladophobia, or fear of bald people, is a growing phobia in this country and I believe the reason my campaign failed.”